Jon Carroll has his own unique riff on "When I Am An Old Woman, I Will Wear Purple" in his column today.
When I am old guy, I will eat things that are bad for me. When I am asked the secret of my longevity, I will mention eating things that are bad for me. When I am an old guy, I will lie a lot....
I will agree with every nice thing said about me. I will expand upon the nice thing, and flatter myself outrageously. I will ignore all the bad things said about me, unless someone becomes rude. Then I will pull a pen out of my pocket and stick it under his nose and say, "Do you know what this is?" Alarming nonsense is the refuge of the old guy....
When I am an old guy, I will sit on a cross-country train and ask children to bring me things. I will flirt with their mothers and say outrageous things. I will also flirt with their fathers, because why not?
And, because I'm always a sucker for the Eliot references:
When I am old guy, I will eat a peach. I will eat many peaches. I will walk in the water and get my trousers wet. I will hear the mermaids singing and I will say, "Yo, mermaids. Over here!"
As long as he doesn't drown.